A Thin Lent and a Restless Heart

Justice and Divine Vengeance Pursuing Crime (1808) by Pierre-Paul Prud'hon

As Holy Week approaches, I find my Lent lacking. The practices I keep—Mass, daily prayer (hesychasm, the Holy Rosary), and fasting—are already part of my routine. Even my other devotions come easily. There has been little real sacrifice.

For almsgiving, I do what I can, though my resources are limited. The other night, for example, I bought food for a homeless man begging for something to eat beside a hot dog stand. He refused it and asked for money instead. Unsure whether to discard it—wasting food—or eat it myself—which would break my abstinence—I returned it to the vendor at a loss.

Apart from this, life remains relatively comfortable. On Sundays, I visit museums after Mass, then share meals with friends and family. In the evenings, I read, write, and tend to small hobbies—such as philately and stargazing—and watch the occasional film. None of it is wrong, but I question whether I should be setting more of it aside.

What troubles me most is not what I do, but what I lack. I do not see in myself a true conversion of heart. I grow angry at the corruption around me and the dishonesty of those in power. I want justice, but I worry that this desire for retribution borders on vengeance. That, more than anything, shows how far I still have to go in trusting God’s justice.

~ By Giovanni di Napoli, March 28th, Feast of Saint John of Capistrano